Wishing

Sometimes I wish life were more like a math textbook. That way, all you had to do was flip to the end of the book to check your answers.

But life’s not like that.

Life is more like a novel. But not the kind of novel you can “Tarantino” and read the last sentence before you start. No, if you try to read ahead, you’ll find the pages are blank. The words only appear on the page as fast as you can read them, as fast as you can live them. And when you look back, you’ll find the words are beginning to fade, and before long the pages at the beginning of the book will be blank as well. You can’t just close the book and put it down either. The story keeps going, whether you read along or not.

That’s what life is like.

Sometimes it’s an adventure novel, sometimes a romance. It’s almost always a mystery. It can be funny and it can be sad. Sometimes it’s scary, and sometimes it’s messy.

But that’s what life is like.

You have to make the most of it. Life goes on, whether you read along in the book or not. But it’s your choice, which way the story goes. When you stop reading, life passes you by. And before you know it, you have no idea how you got to where you are. But if you read along, you can be more deliberate about the choices you make; the choices that decide which way your story will turn.

Far too many times in my life I’ve put my book down. I stopped reading; I stopped trying to figure out what might happen next. And now…it’s like I’ve forgotten how to read it. My life is suffering from a major case of writer’s block. They say hindsight is 20/20, and the past isn’t quite so distant that I can’t look back and see how I ended up where I am. But the past is not what I can change. The problem now lies in moving forward; in figuring out what’s going to happen next.

There was a time when I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed. I thought I knew my calling and my purpose. I saw the destination, and I had the directions, I knew how to get there. But I messed it up, and not in small way. And now, I’m not so sure of my destination anymore. But even if my destination hasn’t changed, I’ve got no idea how to get there.

There are some things in my life that I can say without hesitation that I do not regret. But there are many things I do regret. Many things I wish I could change. I know I could spend my days wishing away my past mistakes. But that won’t change a thing. Wishing wells and shooting stars aren’t going to get me anywhere. But despite that knowledge, sometimes I can’t help but wish. Wish I had a made a different choice, taken a different path.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. As a result, a lot of doors have been closed. I just hope that some of those doors haven’t disappeared completely.